I wish this were my excuse for not having posted for such a long time. It isn't but. It is the reason I haven't posted this week and has been a rather enlightening experience.
I have always had a problem with my eyes being dry. Last Monday it was my turn to take Tori to Seminary. Like so many mornings I woke up feeling like an eyelash was in my eye. I had made an appointment to have my eyes checked because that sensation happens so often that you'd think I'd have no eyelashes left if it were actually eyelashes. Anyway, I drove to Seminary with my eye just watering, squinting and wishing I'd made Barry do it!! But then it was better after resting it for a half hour or so. Tuesday during the day it was bothering me some but I was functioning, until the afternoon. I have a new job on the internet (www.onpointathome.com) and I needed to work, so having to log off and put a warm compress on my eye was really messing up my day. So I tried to work again after dinner and by then I couldn't even stand the light coming off the computer screen. I asked Barry for a blessing. Within a few minutes he was back and insisting we pay our first visit to the walk-in clinic in town. They were closing in ten minutes and we were only three blocks away. So off we went.
I didn't realize how bad it was until I couldn't open up my eyes to go down the stairs or get into the truck. I started to sob when we arrived at the clinic with all its bright waiting room lights. After Barry filled out the paperwork, I started to get a handle on the pain, finding that if I didn't allow my eyeball to move in its socket it didn't hurt – of course that's with my eyes closed. They took us back to the exam room pretty quickly. When the doc tried to pry my eye open though I nearly came off the seat – I cried HARD. So then he got the little painkiller drops in there – immediate relief – and looked at it with a special light. His question to me was, "how in the world did you scratch your eye like this?!" Of course I had no idea. I don't wear contacts (or glasses) and had tried very hard over the last two days not to rub them. He diagnosed me with a corneal abrasion, prescribed pain killers and antibiotic ointment. We also had to see the eye doctor the next day. I was not looking forward to that. The very thought of having to open my eyes once the wonder drops wore off again was horrifying.
Barry took a personal day on Wednesday. He had to work out all the referral stuff so that our insurance would cover the visits to the doctors. What a headache, and I can't imagine if I'd had to do it while feeling so bad, and they have crazy 24hr deadlines on some of this stuff. The eye doctor was able to see right away that the abrasion happened because of the extreme dryness I experience. My eyelid was gluing itself to my eyeball in my sleep. So when I woke up I actually tore the skin off my eyeball. The good news is that it heals itself after a few days. The bad news is I could do this over and over again. Treating my skin condition (Rosacea) should help since it affects the facial glands. And using an ointment at night will help too.
So how was this experience enlightening? Well essentially from Tuesday night until Friday morning my ability to use my good eye was very limited. I tried covering the right eye to use the left but found my right eye would fight to open and that was extremely painful. I learned how much I depend on my eyes. It seems like a no brainer. But it's like people who've travelled or lived abroad will tell you: you can't appreciate the USA until you've spent some time in a foreign country. When you have days where you can't watch TV, read or use the computer it makes you so aware of the gift of sight. I think I'd adjust to no TV or computer – but not having the ability to read was the most frustrating. I know my house pretty well – but even getting around from my room to my bathroom and back to the bed was difficult. My family really came together to help one another and to help me. Thursday, Tori missed the bus and I couldn't drive her to school. It turned out to be a good thing – she was not feeling well in the afternoon, and I didn't have to be alone during the day.
But probably the biggest lesson for me was learning about relying "On the Arm". We hear about relying on the Arm of the Lord. I've always thought of that as relying on His strength. But now I think it's more about letting Him lead me. When I had to rely on Barry's arm to get to and from everywhere, I found myself stopping, sometimes mid-step because my desire to SEE where I was going was so strong. I trusted him – but I wanted to SEE for myself. And then I realized how often I do that with my Heavenly Father. I trust Him. I know He won't lead me wrong – but so often I just want to SEE for myself. I stop my own progress. I known for a long time that the hymn "Lead Kindly Light" had deep meaning for me. It has more meaning for me today than it did a week ago.
Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.
So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!
